On the corner of main street
Just tryin' to keep it in line
You say you wanna move on and
You say I'm falling behind

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

I never really gave up on
Breakin' out of this two-star town
I got the green light
I got a little fight
I'm gonna turn this thing around

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

The good old days, the honest man;
The restless heart, the Promised Land
A subtle kiss that no one sees;
A broken wrist and a big trapeze

Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Coz I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go, can you read my mind?

It’s funny how you just break down
Waitin' on some sign
I pull up to the front of your driveway
With magic soakin' my spine

Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

The teenage queen, the loaded gun;
The drop dead dream, the Chosen One
A southern drawl, a world unseen;
A city wall and a trampoline

Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Coz I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go
Tell me what you find when you read my mind

Slippin’ in my faith until I fall
He never returned that call
Woman, open the door, don't let it stay
I wanna breathe that fire again

She said
Oh well I don't mind, you don't mind
Coz I don't shine if you don't shine

Put your back on me
Put your back on me
Put your back on me

The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun
When you read my mind

(by the Killers)

Yup... that about sums it up right now...

I was reading one of the blogs that I visit every-so-often, and I was really moved by what she wrote today.  She is certainly more eloquent than I, and has managed to capture exactly how I've been feeling lately in her post today.

Here it is:

"I am sitting alone in my almost uncomfortably cold bedroom as I write this. Pipi is sitting on the heater continuing her daily eyeball war with the pigeons and trying to stay warm at the same time. Rain is falling outside and the sky is grey. It’s quiet today. I’ve been reading the words of others and the taste of sadness and heartbreak is acrid on my tongue. Even at it’s most despairing, I am grateful for the sense of interconnectedness that this life sometimes brings. It’s the only good I can find in the slap in the face reminder of the tragedy that exists in the lives of others. I’m thinking about all the time I spend wondering why I can’t just be whole, about all the time I spend thinking about why I can’t be comprised of something other, something better, than my own back story. And I am reminded, once again, that I am no different to anyone else. The heaviness I sometimes feel, that weight, is not unique to me. Trite as it may be, I’m thinking that perhaps we are all just plastering the cracks, pulling ourselves up and out of the black, rising above, suppressing down, squinting towards the light trying to blur the darkness at the corners of our vision. Right now I’m wondering at the fucking courage it takes to wake up to the day after, the courage it takes to allow yourself to laugh again or even to smile. After all, it really isn’t life that goes on, it is each of us. We each go on. We each endure. Every conversation that I have had lately, and everything that I have read, has led me to think that not one of us is as alone as we each think we are."

- Taken from the Happy Misfit

I love this poem by Max Ehrmann...  there is so much beauty and such simple truth in his words... it was written in the 1920's, but I think it's so poignant today... I know many people are familiar with the poem, but I was first exposed to it a few years ago when we were visiting the boy's best friend in London a few years ago.  She has the poem framed on her bedroom wall, and it struck a chord with me and led me to read up on the author and origins of the work... by the way,  Desiderata is Latin for "Things to be Desired."

It's really moves me, and I had to share it, especially with all the chaos that is going on in my life right now, I think it is important to hold on to the things in your life that are beautiful and true, and take peace from them.


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
 
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

There are a few songs that I don't listen to often, but when I do, I find myself listening to them over and over... and I can't pinpont exactly why...  

There are songs that actually cause a physical reaction in me that I struggle to explain...

Take for example ozzy's 'mama i'm comin home'... I get this heavy feeling down in my belly, and this wave of calm just comes over me...  every single time I hear it...  or it will tie my stomach in knots and make me think... think about all those things that I forget about while life is going on...

and if I'm angry when I hear it, or in an otherwise emotional state, I feel compelled to belt out the lyrics along with ozzy, and I just find that my head feels very clear...

This is bizarre... I know...

I suppose I have my father to thank/blame for that one... the 70's/80's metal child and consumate sabbath-freak that he is... ozzy's melodic-if-nasal stories were my lullibies on many a night growing up... 

But still... I have a strange connection with this song that has stuck with me even into adult-hood...  something to do with the mother I'm sure... (though I'm pretty sure this song is about his wife, and not his mother... the word can go both ways) 

I think I've fantasized a few times about screaming this part at her... especially when it's been a few months since I've heard from her... and I start to miss her... and I need to tell her just how much her shit has affected me....

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I aint the same
Mama, Im coming home
Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better friend to me
Mama, Im coming home

You took me in and you drove me out
Yeah, you had me hypnotized
Lost and found and turned aroound
By the fire in your eyes

You made me cry, you told me lies
But I cant stand to say goodbye
Mama, Im coming home
I could be right, I could be wrong
Hurts so bad, its been so long

It brings me back to where I feel stuck between a woman and a child... where I am so mad at her... but I want so badly for her to tell me that she is proud of me... proud of me, and my accomplishments... and not try to take credit or place some blame... 

and...

I know... DRAMA!!! lol...

*sigh*

It just came on randomly will I was sitting here listening to mp3's on shuffle... and I had that gutteral reaction, and I needed to write about it... and so here I am... 

and so that's it... I'm going to hit repeat and just enjoy the quiet of the house for a while...


it probably sounds crazy... I know... I can be a little loopy sometimes...

ah well...

"Buddhism has the characteristics of what would be expected in a cosmic religion for the future: it transcends a personal God, avoids dogmas and theology; it covers both the natural & spiritual, and it is based on a religious sense aspiring from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual, as a meaningful unity" Albert Einstein