Some things get better with time… others, not so much.  For the most part, I don’t feel as though I have changed much, because it has been a slow progression… an evolution, or a regression, depending on the perspective I suppose… sometimes I feel so far apart from most everyone I love… so very different from them…

My head is not in the same space that it once was… at times I feel so certain that I know who I am, and what I want, and where I am going… but sometimes……

There are people in my life who I aspire to be like… the absolute picture of strength, and fun, and courage… living their lives each moment the way they want, without apology or excuse… and it terrifies me that I feel these people slipping away from me…

It’s so hard to find the time… to fit each other in amongst the working, the living, and the “prior obligations”… to put in the time required to maintain a relationship with another human being… and it is all the more difficult when your lives are heading in completely different directions, full speed ahead…  when the activities you enjoy, your idea of downtime and recreation, are no longer the same… when the priorities have shifted… neither perspective or lifestyle is superior to the other… just very, very different…

I sometimes feel pushed away, kept at a distance… less important… unwelcome…but it is I who has isolated me… run off on a tangent that got away from itself…

I need to work harder to maintain connections… I need to resolve to be a better friend… I need to step outside my comfort zone, and find the time to make time…

It’s odd… 6 years after deciding to take control of my life, after having taken that giant leap and starting things over… deciding to put myself first, to work on me as a person, instead of me as part of a group… I am so afraid of being a single unit.

...

I am very sleepy...

I couldn't fall asleep again last night... too many things dancing in my head... so I read until about 2:30, and then my tired eyes forced my body to fall asleep against its will...

The boy wasn't feeling well this morning before work... I wish there was something I could do to help him... I've put so much stress on him recently, and its really not fair to him...

I don't know what I would possibly do without him...

~~~~~~

My sister, the baby, and one of her friends is coming to stay with us for a while... a month, maybe two... She finally got the onions to leave before the loser gets out and comes after her again... It's going to be strange having some random friend of hers that we've never met living with us (the source of much of the boy's stress), but if it means that my sister and the baby are safe, then we will deal...

~~~~~~~

I have much to do today... the coffee smells good, dripping away in the kitchen... almost ready... Busy is fascinated (sp??) by the sounds it is making... silly kitten...

My plan for the day is as follows:

1. Drink Coffee and check emails
2. Watch the end of BT and eat some breakfast
3. Shower and dress
4. Go to the gym
5. Do the dishes
6. Sweep the downstairs floors and the stairs
7. Find a job
8. Move the boxes of old books from the office down into the basement
9. Inquire with the city about parking on the street
10. Call my sister to check on her packing and relocation progress
11. Charge my cell phone
12. Change the bedding
13. Clean the rats' cage
14. Trim Mollys & Shadows' nails
15. Make dinner for Eric



... I think the coffee is ready

Once again, I cannot sleep!! (Shocking isn't it?) :oP

But it's ok, i just popped a couple Advil cold and sinus, so maybe when the crushing pain in my head subsides a little, I'll be able to drift off...

In the meantime, here I am! (This really is riveting stuff, isn't it?)

There are 11 days of class left until the winter break, which is exciting... but which also means that it's crunch time. The last of the major assignments are due, and there is the impending doom of tests to come, but over-all I think it is going rather smoothly. I haven't been getting much sleep in recent weeks (not entirely due to my crazy nocturnal nature, I swear), but I still seem to have done fairly well on my assignments (even if I did whip together most of Cameron's assignments the nights before... wow, I love layout!). By my calculations, I should get all A's this semester... with the exception of two possible B's: New Media - which was Mondays at 8am, when we have Tuesdays off (did anyone actually go to that class??? lol) although I got all the assignments done, I only went to the class like 4 times all year... and Maybe Planning and Prep... but it depends on how I do on the retail assignment, which has yet to be handed back... yay for 40% assignments!

Overall I've been feeling (physically) better recently - not gonna get into all the health issues online, clearly - with the exception of this nice cold that I seem to have caught from Captain-Bacteria Eric... which is fantastic let me tell you...

So I'm looking forward to the break. Christmas should be fun this year... My sister is coming down (speaking of which - note to self: put money on credit card and buy ticket - Soon!) for 9 days, including Christmas; so she will be joining us both at Eric's family shindig and at my grandmothers the next day, which I hope will be fun for her. It should be interesting, with both her and Rho being at about the same stages in their pregnancies, to see how they get on. Eric and I agreed to spend substantially less money this year on Christmas (which is good, since I'm so broke), and I'm nearly done all of my shopping... just a few things for him to pick up... when all is done, I'm guesstimating that I will have spent around $250 on Christmas this year (Not including Andrea's bus fare)... down from $650 last year... hehe...

So I guess that's about it... I'm sure this has been a fascinating entry in my always riveting blog... does anyone actually read these things???

Ah well...

Well... maybe not a complete insomniac... but I do have quite a few sleepless nights (tonight, for example).  I've still not quite pinpointed what the cause of my sleeplessness is... Although I think that tonight I am simply thinking too much...

It's a little cool in here... my fingers are feeling a little cold and stiff from typing and using my mouse for the last couple of hours... I don't want to turn off my fan though (even though it's about three degrees outside at the moment), as I quite like the freshly circulated air... funny, it's only the second week of November, and already I'm pining for Spring.

This winter is really going to suck... I am forecasting that it will be especially cold and gloomy this year (this assumption is based on absolutely no fact-based reasearch or weather data, you should know)... with the usual super-short daylight hours, the biting, howling wind, and that gross brown snow/slush everywhere... It's going to be really damp... the kind of damp where you feel cold right down to your bones, an no matter how many cups of tea you drink, or how many sweaters you put on, you'll never feel warm enough...  I'll spend all of the daylight hours couped in one of those damp/cold classrooms in the C wing, or working at one of my jobs (at present, the count is three)... then I'll have to squeeze onto the too hot, smelly bus with all the other pathetic car-less freaks and spend hours of my day getting from place to place... and I'll come home to a drafty house, where the heat doesn't quite work, and all I can smell is either the "basement monsters" cooking, or an unscooped litter-box... I'll spend every night trying to be motivated to do all my homework... all while surviving on KD and Ramen noodles... then try (my darnedest... I swear) to get to sleep in my increasingly lumpy hand-me-down of a hand-me-down bed...

This is my forcast...

Okay, so maybe I'm just in a shitty mood.... can you blame me though?  I mean, aside from some twinkling lights and the occasional year when my mother didn't say "I don't have any Christmas gifts for you yet... I'll try to get you something after all the boxing-day sales... you're the oldest... you understand, right?"... who actually likes winter time???

Besides, it's 3:30 in the morning, and I have to be up in less than two hours so that I can drag my ass onto a bus and be on time to John's 8am New Media class... then to work... and so on...  but here I am... typing away... bitching about nothing... wide awake, even though I couldn't be more tired... wouldn't you be in a fowl mood?

So what doI do now... is it worth trying to sleep for an hour and a half... or should I peruse the late night infomertials for the Magic Bullet and 1-900 lines...??

It would be useful if I could at least be productive in my insomnia... if maybe I could get some work done instead of just analyzing the why-am-I-here's, the what-am-I-doing's, and the where-the-hell-am-I-going's... that would be fantastic...

arg...

I think maybe I'm just hungry... yes that's it... that's what's wrong with my world... I just need a little spaghetti to lighten me up...

lol... ... ... I can't stop with the ...'s

I'm going to make spaghetti for dinner tonight... with lots of mushrooms and parmesan cheese... and then I'll bake lots of peanut butter, chocolate chip, and peanutbutterchocolatechip cookies to take up to Dad and Grams and Popa this weekend coming...

I am going to do something with my day today... you'll see...

It is 4:25am...  I can't sleep... I'm sitting here contemplating my life... Where I am, where I was, how I got here, where I am going, and why??? I don't know why...

Molly keeps jumping up on my desk for attention... I pet her once or twice, then shoo her away... I should just take her and go to bed... make her happy let her cuddle against my legs and go to sleep...

But I can't

My bed is only two feet behind where I am sitting right now, but I don't seem to want to get out of this chair.  I am horribly awake for the late/early hour and i'm not sure why...

My caffeine/sugar intake for the day was actually lower than usual, and there's nothing that pressing on my mind... nothing that needs done... no big decisions, or big impending doom in the near future...

Maybe that's just it... there is nothing that interesting in the near future... and I'm doing nothing right now... I'm still not working for the summer... I've signed up to start with the StARS program in Septemebr again, but that is still months away... I don't do anything prodctive with myself during the day anymore... I play the Sims alot... and I talk on the phone to Eric or whoever else... but I'm not even writing anymore  (other than in here occasionally)... or drawing... or painting...

I'm not depressed - far from it... but a near-stranger asked me tonight if I was Happy... and I couldn't give him a straight answer... I think I am happy... but not with everything... right now I just feel a little lost.

...Where are my priorities?  My sense of want/need/motivation?? What is wrong with me???

Why can't I write a whole sentence with using the .....'s?????

 

I really should be in bed right now... but of course, I can't sleep... Big day tomorrow - it's packing day!!! I'm such a dolt... again I have left all the packing to the day before I move. It's ok though, Tara is coming over to help, and Eric will be over sometime in the evening to help finish up. Not sure what time we're getting the moving van on Saturday, but hopefully all will be neatly packed and organized, ready to go by whatever time that is...

Wishful thinking?

Spent the evening over at Tara's (where, incidentally, I will be moving to on Sat) playing video games, drinking tea, had a smoothie... a couple of her friends from St. Kits came down, so it was a good time... I got started painting some flower pots that I shall try to sell at the garage sale we're going to have next week... so that's at least a little productive, right?

hehehe...

Wow... I have a lot of crap... it's funny how much someone can amass in just 21 years... I am not looking forward to packing all of this up - again - luckily a lot of it hadn't yet been unpacked from my last move...

I am a nomad...

Overall today was a very up and down day... I didn't get to sleep last night until after three in the morning, which was actually better than 5:30am the day before (it's nearly 1:30 now.. do I sense a pattern?)... and then I got up at just after nine. Not bad actually, six hours is much more sleep than I am accustomed to lately.

Did I just write a whole sentence without putting "..." in the middle of it? :O !!!

So, as I said, a pretty variable day... got off to a good start - applied for some jobs, printed off quite a few prospects from some websites, did a little laundry, did some banking... then I talked to my dad... there was a bit of an argument there, and though it all worked out in the end, I think I'm still a little raw from it... I guess I'm used to taking a lot of shit from my mom, and since my dad has been trying to work his way up from just being a "weekend dad", and with the exception of the past couple of years where he has actually been involved in my life more (emotionally at least) I'm not used to getting any sort of lecture from him...

But the drama that is my family is just too much for my tired little mind tonight... maybe I'll get really emotional some night and need to vent, and you'll (as if anyone is actually reading this) get more of an insight into what kind of craziness I come from (more my mom and her family than my dad's... but anyways...)

This is already far too long... so I'm going to go... maybe there's a good late-night movie on that I can fall asleep to...

Nighty night ::waves::