I cried today...

I cried because I tried to call the doll... again... I called because I need all the girls' measurements for their bridesmaid dresses... but I couldn't make it through the entire message without choking up... I asked her if she even wants to be a part of my wedding any more... It's been more than 4 months without a single word from her...

And I felt very empty...  no word... from anyone... my mom didn't even call me to wish me a Merry Christmas... I called the Doll's house (where she's staying) on Christmas day.... again on New Year's day... and again today... and nothing...

No cards... I'm used to the idea of not getting a gift from my mom, or anyone on that side of the family... but it's not even about that... I just want to hear their voices... I just want to hug them... but I don't get anything.. not even a thank you for the parcel with the gifts and cards that I sent...

My brother and his gf said thank you... but now that I've emailed a few times about coming to visit, I haven't heard back... and I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to tell m y boss that I don't need that day off after all...

very empty.

I got this image in my mind of my wedding day, and the table all set up for them... for my mom, my brother, my great grandmother, my grandfather... everyone... all pretty with place cards and napkins folded nicely... empty.

I imagined the seat to my right at the head table empty... my sister a no-show...

And I lost it....

I cried mostly because it is a very real possibility... I mean, it's been months... I know that I've never been close with my brother, and I know that if I want to have a relationship with him and his gf, and have the opportunity to get to know my niece, then I have to put in most of the effort... but to not hear anything from my sister in months and months... and my mother... where do I even begin with her?

What do I do?  Where do I go from here? Do I keep pursuing it, on the off chance that I can actually have some semblance of a family... or do I just completely give up... just live in the moment that I am in... let it be all about me and the life that I have created away from that shitty little town... be happy with that... be on my own...

The thought of that hurts so much I can't really even describe it... it's like this weight in my chest that is always there... always pushing down on me... it's not really a choice that I want to make... but I don't think I can put it off any longer...

Do I really want that empty table in my life anymore? 

Do I really want to live a life where I don't have anyone in my life who knew me before I was 18 years old (except for Dad & his family of course)?

What the fuck happened? 

How did we get to this point?

(random thought from ani difranco, as I type this)

It's so tiring... talking to her...

I'm frusterated that I always feel so compelled to reach out... to make that call... and then there's the obligatory game of phone tag for a couple of days... I should just leave well enough alone, and not leave a message when I don't get through...

but I leave one anyway... 

hi mom; it's me... it's <insert day here> at <insert time here>; I'll be up until eleven or so... so give me a call back when you get in...

and she will, while I'm out, likely at work, the next day... it's like we have this rule about calling each other back, that we must wait one day between calls... and on and on it will go until one of us manages to catch the other...  it's very strange when I get her on the first try... even more so in the event that she calls me... in search of something...

and every time I'm left feeling the same way... a little superior, and utterly destroyed...

I try to make with the pleasantries... I try to tell her things that other mothers love to hear about....

mom, I'm going shopping for my wedding dress next week...

(really, I want to scream out LOVE ME! TELL ME THAT I'M DOING A GOOD JOB!!!)

and always, on cue. I am met with a miriad of the same complaints...

yeah... well... my knee's been hurtin' bad... barely got around... your sister is up to this and that... that person is sick... this person is saying this... no money for that...



and on we dance...

There are a few songs that I don't listen to often, but when I do, I find myself listening to them over and over... and I can't pinpont exactly why...  

There are songs that actually cause a physical reaction in me that I struggle to explain...

Take for example ozzy's 'mama i'm comin home'... I get this heavy feeling down in my belly, and this wave of calm just comes over me...  every single time I hear it...  or it will tie my stomach in knots and make me think... think about all those things that I forget about while life is going on...

and if I'm angry when I hear it, or in an otherwise emotional state, I feel compelled to belt out the lyrics along with ozzy, and I just find that my head feels very clear...

This is bizarre... I know...

I suppose I have my father to thank/blame for that one... the 70's/80's metal child and consumate sabbath-freak that he is... ozzy's melodic-if-nasal stories were my lullibies on many a night growing up... 

But still... I have a strange connection with this song that has stuck with me even into adult-hood...  something to do with the mother I'm sure... (though I'm pretty sure this song is about his wife, and not his mother... the word can go both ways) 

I think I've fantasized a few times about screaming this part at her... especially when it's been a few months since I've heard from her... and I start to miss her... and I need to tell her just how much her shit has affected me....

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I aint the same
Mama, Im coming home
Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better friend to me
Mama, Im coming home

You took me in and you drove me out
Yeah, you had me hypnotized
Lost and found and turned aroound
By the fire in your eyes

You made me cry, you told me lies
But I cant stand to say goodbye
Mama, Im coming home
I could be right, I could be wrong
Hurts so bad, its been so long

It brings me back to where I feel stuck between a woman and a child... where I am so mad at her... but I want so badly for her to tell me that she is proud of me... proud of me, and my accomplishments... and not try to take credit or place some blame... 

and...

I know... DRAMA!!! lol...

*sigh*

It just came on randomly will I was sitting here listening to mp3's on shuffle... and I had that gutteral reaction, and I needed to write about it... and so here I am... 

and so that's it... I'm going to hit repeat and just enjoy the quiet of the house for a while...


it probably sounds crazy... I know... I can be a little loopy sometimes...

ah well...

Somehow it still feels incomplete.

I mean, I'm done... don't have the shiny piece of paper yet - that comes in June... but technically I'm done. Still it feels un-whole, like I missed something important along the way...

Maybe I'm just drained... emotionally and physically exhausted from these last few years. That's probably it.

Maybe the incomplete feeling is the feeling of being owed something, some small scrap of pride that one would get from a normal mother-daughter relationship... that could be it... Maybe I'm just feeling a little lost still, because no matter what I accomplish, what I manage to do - on my own, without any of your help I feel it is necessary to point out - you still treat me like nothing.

Even though I escaped almost four years ago I still feel like it has it's cold claws into me, like some day when I'm not looking I will be snatched back up and swallowed whole by that shitty little town, and then all of these efforts, all of the days without sleep, the juggling of shitty jobs and ridiculaous deadlines for school, the pushing, the trying, the "putting on a brave face", the pretending like I'm okay when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs will have been for naught...

I am so afraid of ending up just like you.

I look in the mirror and I see little glimpes of you... it's crazy... not the you now, I barely recognized the face when I saw you this past summer... the years (or maybe it's just the "substances") have not been kind... but the young you... the one from the pictures I used to treasure when I was little... I see that face hidden in my features...

And it scares the shit out of me.

How many times can I say shit or shitty in one entry? And how is this self-loathing, self-pitying entry for my first one in months...

Sometimes anger can be fun... I'll admit it... blaming you for all the poison you put in my head over the years... blaming the shitty childhood for my inability to cope as an adult... maybe it's just easier this way...

Or maybe it's just the plain and simple truth.

Either way, today I'm angry... Angry that I still haven't proved that I'm better yet... better than that place and that life... better than those years dragging the kids into the living room together to sleep, and piling on the blankets because you let the oil run out again and it's -10 in the house... blaming your boyfriends and the revolving door that you placed on our lives...

Blaming myself because even after four years, after doing goof for myself, I still cannot get over you... I still cry for you... I still have this deep-rooted desire to go there, get you and the kids (and now their kids too), and save you... somehow just make it all better.

If I make it better for you, I won't hurt anymore.

If only it worked that way...

Why?

... So many why's for you...

Mother.

Ha... you hated when I called you that...

Well, this is just degenerating in a big ranting mess, and I really don't want to think about it anymore...

... it's not even anger anymore... just pity and sorrow really...

Well... maybe not a complete insomniac... but I do have quite a few sleepless nights (tonight, for example).  I've still not quite pinpointed what the cause of my sleeplessness is... Although I think that tonight I am simply thinking too much...

It's a little cool in here... my fingers are feeling a little cold and stiff from typing and using my mouse for the last couple of hours... I don't want to turn off my fan though (even though it's about three degrees outside at the moment), as I quite like the freshly circulated air... funny, it's only the second week of November, and already I'm pining for Spring.

This winter is really going to suck... I am forecasting that it will be especially cold and gloomy this year (this assumption is based on absolutely no fact-based reasearch or weather data, you should know)... with the usual super-short daylight hours, the biting, howling wind, and that gross brown snow/slush everywhere... It's going to be really damp... the kind of damp where you feel cold right down to your bones, an no matter how many cups of tea you drink, or how many sweaters you put on, you'll never feel warm enough...  I'll spend all of the daylight hours couped in one of those damp/cold classrooms in the C wing, or working at one of my jobs (at present, the count is three)... then I'll have to squeeze onto the too hot, smelly bus with all the other pathetic car-less freaks and spend hours of my day getting from place to place... and I'll come home to a drafty house, where the heat doesn't quite work, and all I can smell is either the "basement monsters" cooking, or an unscooped litter-box... I'll spend every night trying to be motivated to do all my homework... all while surviving on KD and Ramen noodles... then try (my darnedest... I swear) to get to sleep in my increasingly lumpy hand-me-down of a hand-me-down bed...

This is my forcast...

Okay, so maybe I'm just in a shitty mood.... can you blame me though?  I mean, aside from some twinkling lights and the occasional year when my mother didn't say "I don't have any Christmas gifts for you yet... I'll try to get you something after all the boxing-day sales... you're the oldest... you understand, right?"... who actually likes winter time???

Besides, it's 3:30 in the morning, and I have to be up in less than two hours so that I can drag my ass onto a bus and be on time to John's 8am New Media class... then to work... and so on...  but here I am... typing away... bitching about nothing... wide awake, even though I couldn't be more tired... wouldn't you be in a fowl mood?

So what doI do now... is it worth trying to sleep for an hour and a half... or should I peruse the late night infomertials for the Magic Bullet and 1-900 lines...??

It would be useful if I could at least be productive in my insomnia... if maybe I could get some work done instead of just analyzing the why-am-I-here's, the what-am-I-doing's, and the where-the-hell-am-I-going's... that would be fantastic...

arg...

That's just lame... To all of my countrymen who didn't vote I say this: shame on you! and if you are not happy with the turnout of the election, you can keep it to yourself... for the next four years, you have no right to complain about your healthcare or education costs, or the state of our nation as it compares to the global market. More than 85% of you couldn't take 30 minutes out of your oh-so-busy lives to make one of the most important decisions that affects your life, and the lives of your children, and their children, and just vote.

I voted today... including the walk to and from my local polling station, it took me 43 minutes- and that's including the fact that I had to re-register since I had recently moved. I myself am pleased that the Liberals are re-elected... while it seemed to be an election based on "the lesser of three evils" (meaning Liberal, Conservative, and N.D.P) in many an opinion, there were still options, and if even another 20% of you had gotten your asses up and out there and made you voices heard, who knows how things would have turned out???

Below I have given all the official results from www.elections.ca. I suggest that some people visit the sight, read what is written there... you might learn something... and knowledge is power as they say... power that our nation's people seem to have no interest in controlling...

(please forgive the 'messiness' of my make-shift chart)

Preliminary Results National Last updated: 21:44 ET

Party __________Party standing____________%_____Popular vote_______%

Bloc Québécois_____________52__________17.5_________506,182_______10.2
Canadian Action_____________0___________0.0___________1,380________0.0
Christian Heritage Party____0___________0.0__________16,060________0.3
Communist___________________0___________0.0___________1,182________0.0
Conservative_______________88__________29.5_______1,460,952_______29.3
Green Party_________________0___________0.0_________194,107________3.9
Independent_________________0 __________0.0__________17,647________0.4
Liberal___________________135__________45.3_______1,940,928_______38.9
Libertarian_________________0___________0.0_____________231________0.0
Marijuana Party_____________0___________0.0___________9,412________0.2
Marxist-Leninist____________0___________0.0___________2,761________0.1
N.D.P._____________________22___________7.4_________831,063_______16.7
No Affiliation______________1___________0.3_____________230________0.0
PC Party____________________0___________0.0___________4,798________0.1

Total number of valid votes: 4,986,933

Polls reporting: 26,782/62,468 Voter turnout: 4,986,933 of 21,533,082 registered electors (23.2%)