So Popa's funeral is going to be on Friday at 11.   Grandma seems to be coping remarkably well...

I took the day off work today... I just feel so numb and distracted that I would be of no use on the desk and I just didn't want to deal with anything right now...  so I'm at home... and I'm thinking about alot of things... It's rainy and cold and gloomy outside today... a little pathetic fallacy I suppose...

The funeral home has put up the death notice for Popa already... they misspelled Aunt Donna's last name... oh well, I guess...


BLEWETT, Ernest Edward - Following a lengthy illness on Monday, April 30, 2007, at his home in Guelph with his family by his side, Ernie Blewett of Guelph in his 74th year. Beloved husband of Anna May (nee Grant). Dearest father of Larry and his wife Sue, Michael and his wife Deborah, James and his wife Vickie, Donna Labont , Peter and his wife Care-n all of Guelph and Patricia Bercowski and her husband Tony of Cambridge. Dear grandfather of Steven, Andrew, Tracy, Annette, Ken, Annie, Adam, Christine, Jasmine, Anna-Marie, Rachel and Wes. Great grandfather of Blade and Grace. Dear nephew of Hazel Hendy. Brother-in-law of James and his wife Liesa Grant. Predeceased by grandson James (1988). Friends will be received at the WALL-CUSTANCE FUNERAL HOME & CHAPEL, 206 Norfolk St., Guelph, Thursday (2-4 and 7-9 p.m.). Funeral service will be held, in the funeral home chapel, Friday, May 4, 2007, at 11:00 a.m.. (reception to follow in the Wall-Custance Family Reception Centre). Interment at Memory Gardens, Breslau. Memorial contributions to St. Andrews Presbyterian Church, 161 Norfolk St., Guelph N1H 4J7 or Alzheimer Society, 111 MacDonell St., Guelph N1H 2Z7 would be appreciated

A tree will be planted in memory of Ernest E. Blewett in the Wall-Custance Memorial Forest, University of Guelph, Arboretum. Dedication service Sunday, September 23, 2007, at 2:30 p.m.

I don't think that I could ever have anticipated this... losing both of my grandfathers and an uncle all inside of two and a half weeks... 

Dad called me at work today during my lunch break and I could tell by his hushed tone on my voicemail exactly what had happened... I knew that Popa was gone even before I dialed the number to call my dad back...

When we were there last night he had looked so small... so tired... and so painfully thin... his hair had gotten long, and his beard had grown out... he looked so exhausted that I didn't bother to wake him... I just wanted him to rest and have whatever little peace he could get from sleep... I never said goodbye... I never said a lot of things...

The cancer had been eating him for so long, I'm sure that dieing was a relief... at least that's what I hope for him... between the tumors and the Alzheimer's we watched him fade for so long...  He had been given six months to live on my birthday if you recall... he made it just past seven...

I can't even begin to imagine what Grams is feeling right now... first her brother the week before last, and now her husband...

I can't believe the emotions that are swirling around inside me right now... I can't beleive... so many lives... snuffed out... just like that... every day... so many people... gone... just gone... the sorrow that I feel is so deep that it doesn't even feel like sadness anymore...

Neither of my grandfathers came near to their eightieth birthdays... life is so short... so precious... so amazing... and so fragile... I don't appreciate mine enough... I don't think that I am grateful enough... I don't think I tell people that I love them enough...

I can't beleive he's gone... I mean, I can beleive it... but it just doesn't feel right... I don't know if death ever feels right... 

I hope... I hope that the god that both my grandfathers prayed to exists... I truly do... I hope that they were greeted my their maker with open arms and that they are happy, and feeling the love of those they left behind... I really hope that there is something after this to look forward to... I wish that I had an idealogy like that... a faith to cling to... then I wouldn't need to hope so much...

But I don't... right now I just feel emptiness... emptiness and the rawness of my cheeks from all the tears...

I was hoping a couple of weeks ago to be able to cry... to let go and let myself mourn... now I don't know if I can stop... just when I think they're done, the tears come flooding back...  I hope Eric comes home soon... I really just need him to hold me and tell me that things will get better... I need to feel his body, full of life, and his heart beating... I need to feel more than the emptiness of loss and death...

I need to hope... hope that there is more... and that there is a point... a reason for all of this pain...

I found out today that my Uncle Jack died on Monday.  He had been up visiting Popa and Grams... he had taken Popa a CD to listen to... on his way back home he had a massive heart attack and was gone before he smashed into two parked cars.

My dad said that the funeral is tomorrow... but I can't do it... I can't go... I don't think I can handle anymore death right now... the dark clouds were just starting to part...

We had to identify my grandfather's body today at the funeral home... They finally went and got him from the hospital... the poor man was kept in the morgue for FIVE days!!!  I don't know why everything is taking so long... scratch that... I do know why... it's because of money... it's because the poor man died with $62 in his bank account and we can't afford to have the big funeral that he deserves... it's because all we can do is as he wished and have him cremated and taken back to Pembroke to rest next to his wife and brother...

He will hopefully be taken to the crematorium tomorrow, and soon my mom can take him home... 

I know it might sound selfish, but I want this whole thing to be over... I need to rest... I need to sleep without dreaming of him laying there, so pale... I need to believe that he is in a better place... a place with no more pain... 

I need to cry.

I cried at the hospital as he slipped away... but I have not been able to cry since... I've only been able to get on with it... to go to work, and to come home and help my mother make phone calls... look at urns... collect his belongings... piece together the bits of his life...

My grandfather died on Friday at 11:33 pm...

I never thought that I would have to make the choice to let someone die... I never thought I would be able to make that decision... I never thought that I would feel the way I do right now... but here I am... it's not something that is easily put into words...

He had been lying there, somewhere on the edge of consciousness... somewhere between this world and the next... trying to push the tubes out, struggling to cough, and twitching... but never responding... never really opening his eyes... until I asked him... until I asked him what he wanted...

I know that he would never have wanted to be that way... he was a proud man... a strong man... he never wanted to be kept alive only though intubation and medications keeping his blood pressure up... he had refused it once before... after the last heart attack... but this time he had no choice... he was not responsive when they rushed him in... all they could do was save his life... keep him breathing...

I asked him... I asked him if he wanted to have the machines turned off... I could barely get the words out without my voice cracking... and he squeezed my hand... he squeezed it... I'll never forget the desperation in the grip... I'll never forget...

They turned off the machines shortly before eleven... the nurses asked us to leave the room while they removed the breathing tubes... when we came back in he was fairly sedated... they said that there was no pain...

When they stopped giving him the blood pressure medication, all we could do was watch as his heart beat slowed... his blood pressure dropped... and dropped... and his gasping turned to very few shallow breathes... and for a moment he looked like he was at peace... my mom was holding his one hand, and I his other... and Eric had his hands on my shoulders...  and we all watched as the lines all went flat...

...

I never thought about what it would feel like to write an obituary... to try to sum up someone's life in a two inch column... and at first I didn't think I would be able to do it...

It's funny how you go onto auto-pilot... how your mind just switches on and keeps going even when your body is numb and your heart is aching and you don't know what to do...

Even though it's been a long time coming, you never really expect someone to be gone... I mean really gone...

...

Adams, Herbert Farman - Peacefully at Mississauga Trillium Hospital on Friday, April 13th 2007, in his 78th year.  Herbert was a veteran of the RCAF, having served during the Korean War.  Herbert received a degree in Theology from Trinity College and went on to become a Christian missionary and member of the Anglican ministry.  He was a volunteer with the Navy League of Canada and a lifetime member of the Red Chevron Club.  Herbert is predeceased by his wife Bernice (nee Reckzin), stepson Larry (Biesenthal), brothers Graham, Douglas, Cameron and twin brother Harold, as well as sister Isabell.  He is survived by his sister Beth (husband Norm Percy), daughter Kimberley, grandchildren Christine (Blewett), Richard and Andrea, as well as two great-grandchildren, Julia and Matthew.

At Herbert's request, there will be no visitation.  Private family service and internment of ashes to take place at Holy Trinity Anglican Cemetery, Pembroke Ontario, in the spring.

I cried today...

I cried because I tried to call the doll... again... I called because I need all the girls' measurements for their bridesmaid dresses... but I couldn't make it through the entire message without choking up... I asked her if she even wants to be a part of my wedding any more... It's been more than 4 months without a single word from her...

And I felt very empty...  no word... from anyone... my mom didn't even call me to wish me a Merry Christmas... I called the Doll's house (where she's staying) on Christmas day.... again on New Year's day... and again today... and nothing...

No cards... I'm used to the idea of not getting a gift from my mom, or anyone on that side of the family... but it's not even about that... I just want to hear their voices... I just want to hug them... but I don't get anything.. not even a thank you for the parcel with the gifts and cards that I sent...

My brother and his gf said thank you... but now that I've emailed a few times about coming to visit, I haven't heard back... and I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to tell m y boss that I don't need that day off after all...

very empty.

I got this image in my mind of my wedding day, and the table all set up for them... for my mom, my brother, my great grandmother, my grandfather... everyone... all pretty with place cards and napkins folded nicely... empty.

I imagined the seat to my right at the head table empty... my sister a no-show...

And I lost it....

I cried mostly because it is a very real possibility... I mean, it's been months... I know that I've never been close with my brother, and I know that if I want to have a relationship with him and his gf, and have the opportunity to get to know my niece, then I have to put in most of the effort... but to not hear anything from my sister in months and months... and my mother... where do I even begin with her?

What do I do?  Where do I go from here? Do I keep pursuing it, on the off chance that I can actually have some semblance of a family... or do I just completely give up... just live in the moment that I am in... let it be all about me and the life that I have created away from that shitty little town... be happy with that... be on my own...

The thought of that hurts so much I can't really even describe it... it's like this weight in my chest that is always there... always pushing down on me... it's not really a choice that I want to make... but I don't think I can put it off any longer...

Do I really want that empty table in my life anymore? 

Do I really want to live a life where I don't have anyone in my life who knew me before I was 18 years old (except for Dad & his family of course)?

What the fuck happened? 

How did we get to this point?

Fredo passed away today. We found him in his cage with his brother when we came home from work. He was just shy of 3 years old. He will be missed.

So I'm fairly certain that my little Fredo Rattington has some sort of tumor... he has suddenly become very skinny over the past few days, and I can feel a large lump near his rear left hip... and he's not eating... and he just sits in his hammock all day... curled up...

He's been breathing rather sharply today... I don't think it will be much longer... I am wondering if I should take him to the vet... if it would be more humane to have him euthanized than to let him fade like this... I don't know if the vet will even perform such a procedure on a rat... The average lifespan of a rat is 2 - 3 years... and Fredo is about 2 (assuming that he was 10 weeks old when I got him and his brother, Jimmy, as I was told)

My poor Fredo...




Fredo is the one on top here, with Jimmy, in their Chube...

(random thought from ani difranco, as I type this)

It's so tiring... talking to her...

I'm frusterated that I always feel so compelled to reach out... to make that call... and then there's the obligatory game of phone tag for a couple of days... I should just leave well enough alone, and not leave a message when I don't get through...

but I leave one anyway... 

hi mom; it's me... it's <insert day here> at <insert time here>; I'll be up until eleven or so... so give me a call back when you get in...

and she will, while I'm out, likely at work, the next day... it's like we have this rule about calling each other back, that we must wait one day between calls... and on and on it will go until one of us manages to catch the other...  it's very strange when I get her on the first try... even more so in the event that she calls me... in search of something...

and every time I'm left feeling the same way... a little superior, and utterly destroyed...

I try to make with the pleasantries... I try to tell her things that other mothers love to hear about....

mom, I'm going shopping for my wedding dress next week...

(really, I want to scream out LOVE ME! TELL ME THAT I'M DOING A GOOD JOB!!!)

and always, on cue. I am met with a miriad of the same complaints...

yeah... well... my knee's been hurtin' bad... barely got around... your sister is up to this and that... that person is sick... this person is saying this... no money for that...



and on we dance...

But I can only apologize so many times and still mean it...

Times are very stressful... the boy, especially, is not coping well... I wish there was more I could do, but I'm stretched so thin right now...

Somehow I feel like everything will work itself out well, and that gets me through... perserverance (sp??) seems to have always been my strong suit... I wish I could help him to be stronger... I don't know if I would be as strong if it weren't for his presence beside me every night...

My feeling is that things will work out as they are meant to... I just need to do my best to make sure that I am doing my best... always... just do what is right... maybe not the smartest, or most logical, or most sound thing to do... but what my belly, and my heart, and really my mind too, tells me is right...

I don't know...

I just wish things were a little easier...

...

such an exercise in futility...

This is Wrinkles... She was a part of my life since I was 9 years old... She was really special... She had a wonderful light in her eyes and a bounce in her step that would always make me smile... She cried with me when I cried... She protected me from the bad ones...

I took this picture a little more than a week before she died... she was very ill... I hadn't made the trip to see her often enough in the 5 years since I moved out and away... and now I miss her very, very much...




You were always a "good girl"... sleep well sweet girl...

It's sad, but true...

I'm not really one to carry a grudge... and I've managed to forgive so many more evil entities that have passed through my life at one point or another, so why does this grudge still linger?

I really want to not hate you... it's not even hate really... I don't know what it is... I don't know why I still even think about everything... all the years... all the bullsh*t... I don't want to... I don't intend to...

But I do...

Why do you still have such an impact on me? Why does seeing your names, or coming across a picture of one of you make my stomach knot? Why can't I let go of the drama? Why can't I get past who I was then? Why is it that when I feel like I am completely happy, and proud of my accomplishments, I find myself wondering what you would think of me now?
Why would that sh*t even matter?

It makes no sense... none...

Sometimes I even miss you... sometimes I think of all the good things... all the fun things... all the laughs and tears and silliness... then I think about how uncomfortable I really felt the whole time... How fake things felt... and how I should have been more true to myself... and I don't miss you anymore...

it sounds like self pity... and maybe it is... Someday I'll just suck it up and accept the fact that I am happy... that my childhood/teen years sucked, but they're done...

Someday...

I just need zone out and stop dwelling... I'm such a weenie... blah...

I'm going to go listen to some up beat music and go make a smoothie and read a book... and wait for the boy to come home...